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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.